Next Step

I had an exam on 20th of this month and I am hoping to clear it. But that would be just beginning. In India these competitive exams consists of three stages. first is what we call preliminary exam. this is an objective exam. four options for each answer and we have to choose one which should be correct. for every wrong answer marks are deducted as penalty. So I am 99% sure that i will clear this stage. and it will take two weeks before result is announced and i cant waste my time till then anticipating and pondering. So I have decided to start preparation for next level. the most difficult and crucial. ‘Mains’ we call it and since result of my previous exam is out i have realized that i need to work on my language and general awareness. so again i will be posting things i read and this time i will try not to just copy paste it. i hope you will enjoy reading too. Lets start.

You Never Change

Few minutes ago, i decided to log out but thought “lets just see what i used to write and feel few months or may a year ago”. And i was stunned to see that i havent changed. Same inferiroty complex, envy, self victimization and laziness. Ha ha. But that proves that there is something really wrong with me. I need to figure it out soon. I just hope that one day i will write a post expressing how i have changed with life. I definitely dont wish to remain the same. Bye. Really important exam of my life.

Clueless as always

Typing using my cell phone. Unfortunately no key in my keyboard is working now. Anywas as usual i am sad and trying to just calm myself. Writing and sharing random stuff seems to give me some peace of mind. Now i have again reached a stage where i am clueless as to what should i do. What i actually like to do. Such a simple question right? But i know answer to this question is really difficult not just for me but majority of people.

Ra[]dom[]ess

life is stra[]ge. is[]’t it? at times i try to co[]sole myself []y keep sayi[]g to myself that life is []ot a race. so []o o[]e actually wi[]s or loses. so i should[]t worry a[]out a[]ythi[]g []ut the[] i see people a[]d world arou[]d me. every[]ody wa[]ts to achieve somethi[] which makes you thi[]k that you are doi[]g []othi[]g i[] life. i tried to give mea[]i[]g to my existe[]ce accordi[]gly, mea[]i[]gs which society arou[]d me fi[]d mea[]i[]gful. what am i sayi[]g. i ca[]t simply stay at home. so much []oise. []ow i do[]t k[]ow why i logged i[]. so []ye.

New Turn

Hi again. many more things have changed. firstly two letters in my keyboard has stopped functioning out of sudden i.e. ‘n’ and ‘b’. so i will use straight brackets instead. reader, if any will have to guess. ([]y the way I was usi[]g my o[]li[]e key[]oard while writi[]g this).

seco[]dly, i coul[]t clear the etra[]ce exam so []o mo[]ey is comi[]g my way a[]d my dear father is []ot goi[]g go give me a[]y. so []ow i am []asically o[] my ow[]. right []ow at home si[]ce mother []eeds me []ut will ru[] away i[] septem[]er. so i thought why []ot restart my []log a[]d utilize my time i[]stead of []ei[]g sad a[]d a[]d helpless all the time.

 

 

Thinking..

I no longer wish to see myself frustrated or hopeless. But that doesn’t mean that I’ll will not come to you and say things which make me feel sad and gloomy. I’ll do that too. But now I want to get rid of all the labels. By the way, you must be wondering why I am writing this or writing at all out of sudden. The answer is my relationship with my boyfriend is on the verge of collapse. Though we’ll be friends but as of now everything is so uncertain and I want to feel little encouraged. I want to feel that I am doing some readings and I doing my work and not wasting my time. So I’ll start posting stuff again. I have an entrance exam comping up in a couple of weeks and dissertation also. Too many things and too little time. Anyways. But I won’t give you more than an hour daily except when i have no deadlines.

Back Again

Hello! I am back after a long spell. Now I have a clear aim to achieve in next few years and I have started working towards that. And i wish you to be part of my journey. I missed you quite a lot. Too many things happened and while back in college, I’ll be working as teaching assistant. One dissertation and two entrance exams and then one major exam in 2015. I wish to settle down for few years. I mean at least for next 5-6 years I want to enjoy my life with my family. Anyways, Lets not waste our time..from this day onwards I’ll be posting news and opinions. Enjoy reading

Craving for Recognition

sometimes i feel morally discouraged. so much so that i fear going out of my room. i don’t even take bathe or wash my face. i stop eating. but why i feel discouraged is a big question. i feel as if everyone except two of my friends in the hostel consider me another fool. one reason  may be because i am a shy person who does not like to mix with people and when somebody suddenly talks to me, i go blank. Second reason may be because i don’t score good marks as other do. Or sometimes I think does this isolation give me kind of excuse not to improve myself. Its a strange situation where i want to do things which i actually don’t want to do for the time being; and i keep thinking about those things which i guess i really want to do.

Restlessness

i am here to mourn again. i am feeling restless. very weak. alone and embarrassed. can you hear me, stranger. yet again, destiny played its part very nicely and i am at the losing side. i am again the person who is questioning the system, it ways, accusing it of arbitrariness and claiming her dues. i scored higher marks than the cut off but interestingly my name is not in the list of those selected candidates. one wonders in such situations. should i laugh or cry. i did both. i thought, i’ll get fellowship since my score is higher than the cut off, now i’ll concentrate on other favorite subject i.e. international law. in fact, today only, i got one book issued from library thinking that will finish it within 2 or 3 days. unknown to me, some else, sitting in delhi, making stupid typographical errors decided that i can’t read it for the time being. strange! isn’t it?

Busy Life

first of all, i beg your pardon for not giving you due time. life is so busy nowdays. there are so many things on my list and much less time. moreover this time i had taken on one internship in centre for women and law and doing some field research in karnataka. and since i want to read so much stuff in these months before i go back home, i am dropping my plan for another internship thought that one is an online internship. there is always a trade off as abhishek says. we have to chose one or the other thing and we feel bad for not having the other thing with us. i won’t have the online internship on my cv but if i do this, i won’t get time to study for myself. anyways, now for at least 3 months, i have just three or four targets to achieve.

1. completing my internship and come up with a short report successfully

2. to maintain at least 60% average score

3. to complete course on democracy in coursera

4. to read opeds, new articles or paper on international law and relations.

5. and to read some basic books of international relations and politics.