Hard Attempts-Trying to Console Myself

Feeling little sad today. almost all those whom i considered or consider (that feeling is still persisting and it’ll persist because it gives me chance to satisfy my ego, i can have sympathy on my side) equal or less than equal when it comes to academics, they became teaching assistants but i could not get that. I wish i had bothered to attend classes. but then i think why should i repent. given a chance i would seriously won’t attend those classes even when i know the consequences. reason being i am lazy and also i find the system of allocating some marks for your attendance ridiculous. but to tell you the truth, its the sense of failure which is cutting my heart into pieces. even when i know this is not a race, not a game to lose or win something and this is not the end. still you feel it. don’t you? i feel it but i don’t show it. because i don’t want the other person to feel that i am jealous. seriously i am not. rather i am confused why it has to happen with me all the time. but isn’t it something natural to feel like perpetually victimized by your fate, even if you don’t believe in it? don’t you find yourself worthless then. i can feel a kind of madness within me to prove myself at all costs, whether i enjoy doing it or not. actually at one point of time you also downplay your failure by saying yourself that those were things (for instance TAship in my case) i never wanted to do. they are not worth doing. i am busy with other things. two kinds of immediate responses! which one is right. i don’t demand any answer. because their can’t be one answer acceptable to all. so i’ll chose for me, according to situation i am placed in today, at this very moment. I’ll chose first option. To be very honest, i realize that may be i was not hardworking like them. may be i should test myself. energize myself. anyways, i have exam tomorrow. i don’t wish to miss the chance. its sad that i am trying to cram things but its mistake of none but mine. i wish i had not wasted my time. self-realization is the key but i found it very late. by the way, expressing myself here to a stranger world is not wastage of time for me. i feel relaxed doing that. somewhere someone is listening. you are not alone. this feels nice in itself even though they can’t do anything about it. whoever is reading i want to thank you, for your patience. everybody has his/her own story to tell. there is acute shortage of those who can listen. lets be little more patient, lets reach out and listen to each other. may be in the process, we’ll learn to respect people around us.

Bye.

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