I want to write more. i am not satisfied. i know i want to say more. lack of word or time i don’t know. but what i want to say. i want somebody to read it right now. i want that somebody to talk to me immediately. yes, physical presence is necessary. i want to say bad things about all those who got something which i could not. i want to say that it was unfair. i worked as much as they did. but i didn’t get what they have now. i want to run the race with all my energy and effort pushed into. what would you do, stranger? lets do it, my heart says, do it. even if it means cramming. you want marks desperately, yes you do. to prove that you do exist. yes, i need to prove myself, even though, those people don’t matter to me. may be they do. that’s why i am writing here instead of studying. i can’t escape that. they do matter because i live around them or they live around me. we meet, we talk, we both pursuing same goal for the time being. so they do matter. but what about if i lose something very important just to prove them that i also exist. there is no escape route. there are so many questions that surround you. they never let you feel lonely. they live by you. they grow within you, even if you refuse to recognize them they will chase you until you stop running. i am feeling lost now. don’t feel like studying. May be i’ll meet you after 30 Sept. otherwise i’ll get more depressed. i won’t express myself. it always get me in trouble. i go mad i don’t feel like doing anything else but deliberating over things or ideas surrounding me and self introspection, my different moods and feelings. everybody has this desire to express. i don’t know how those people manage who don’t have avenues to express and that too without being feel threatened and mocked at. I- who is educated, find it difficult to express my real feeling in a way that they can evoke same emotions in others as they do to me-fail to understand and feel bad about those who don’t even have any language or words to express. having a voice and able to voice are two different things. without words you don’t have voice except tears. without language you don’t have words. here lies importance of language and vocabulary. here lies importance of literature, i guess. we want to connect, communicate. we can’t live without that. and when you fear of being mocked at, you talk to your computer, you fill your secret diaries like i do. you write something in hope that at least somebody would read you and understand you. i wish i could continue. leaving my thought abruptly here, i hope to keep it safe, it was part of my life, i bid farewell. hope to meet you on 30th sept. in case you are wondering who is this ‘you’ in the last sentence. it was not you, my stranger (are you still a stranger when i used ‘my’ before addressing you?) it was my blog.
By the way, i am just pasting some links below which according to wordpress contains related content. i have no time to go through, but if you (stranger) have, you can.
- “Where I Come From” Reflection (necoergosum.wordpress.com)
- Ashley Ventura: Voices (basement105.wordpress.com)
- A stranger or a little strange (paulapavlovaluva.wordpress.com)
- Our True Language (earendilstar.wordpress.com)
Feeling little sad today. almost all those whom i considered or consider (that feeling is still persisting and it’ll persist because it gives me chance to satisfy my ego, i can have sympathy on my side) equal or less than equal when it comes to academics, they became teaching assistants but i could not get that. I wish i had bothered to attend classes. but then i think why should i repent. given a chance i would seriously won’t attend those classes even when i know the consequences. reason being i am lazy and also i find the system of allocating some marks for your attendance ridiculous. but to tell you the truth, its the sense of failure which is cutting my heart into pieces. even when i know this is not a race, not a game to lose or win something and this is not the end. still you feel it. don’t you? i feel it but i don’t show it. because i don’t want the other person to feel that i am jealous. seriously i am not. rather i am confused why it has to happen with me all the time. but isn’t it something natural to feel like perpetually victimized by your fate, even if you don’t believe in it? don’t you find yourself worthless then. i can feel a kind of madness within me to prove myself at all costs, whether i enjoy doing it or not. actually at one point of time you also downplay your failure by saying yourself that those were things (for instance TAship in my case) i never wanted to do. they are not worth doing. i am busy with other things. two kinds of immediate responses! which one is right. i don’t demand any answer. because their can’t be one answer acceptable to all. so i’ll chose for me, according to situation i am placed in today, at this very moment. I’ll chose first option. To be very honest, i realize that may be i was not hardworking like them. may be i should test myself. energize myself. anyways, i have exam tomorrow. i don’t wish to miss the chance. its sad that i am trying to cram things but its mistake of none but mine. i wish i had not wasted my time. self-realization is the key but i found it very late. by the way, expressing myself here to a stranger world is not wastage of time for me. i feel relaxed doing that. somewhere someone is listening. you are not alone. this feels nice in itself even though they can’t do anything about it. whoever is reading i want to thank you, for your patience. everybody has his/her own story to tell. there is acute shortage of those who can listen. lets be little more patient, lets reach out and listen to each other. may be in the process, we’ll learn to respect people around us.
this is my second post and i have one request and suggestion to put forward. since we have limited time and capacities and pursuing different dreams, we may not be knowing each and everything about other’s field, or there may be lack in clarity or problem in understanding. so, what i suggest that i’ll here list out some of those areas which interests me, along with area which i am studying now and accordingly, those who liked the idea, please follow the same. and if some of our interests match (for e.g. if area in which i am working but you are also interested but don’t know much about it), we can pose each others question of week and other person will respond in a way with help some crude examples or stories to make it easy to comprehend. this will keep us motivated and also we’ll be able to learn everyday.
I am currently pursuing LL.M. in human rights, in which we study
1. international human rights law
2. international refugee law
3. international humanitarian law
4. international criminal law
5. women and human rights
Areas i am interested in are:
1. political philosophy
3. economic ( i am really bad in this subject)
4. English literature ( i am not at all good in writing, please do help me)
5. international relations and politics
6. Most importantly, History (all time favorite)
p.s.- this is all i can think of for the moment. I’ll update the list according to my varying interests.
first step, when you are starting a blog, according to me, ought to be, introducing yourself. this is part i never bothered to write. and today also, when i am starting my fourth blog in single year (out of frustration), will remain without introduction. because i like it this way. and i have reason for doing same. i have my insecurities, my dreams, ambitions, my failures, observations, which i want to share with the world, but fear censure from those who know me. so i feel more comfortable in expressing myself to a stranger who may just, somehow, land here. another reason i can think of right now is that i am frustrated. problem with me is that i value myself more than others and think i know better than them. but when it comes to recognition, i never got recognition i wanted. no, i not old. i am just 23. still, i feel i have wasted my time in talking to people about other people, judging them, criticizing them. i wish i had studied then. but i think wishing this would also lose its meaning if i wish to study only to get attention. problem is, i have two sides which want different things. i guess this is a very common problem. so i won’t exaggerate mine. so very briefly, i am starting this blog to feel that i am doing something worthwhile in my life, at least, for the time being. you saw your friends and peers getting things which you don’t have either because those things doesn’t interest you, but you know that they matter in real world; or because you are not capable enough. with me, both these reasons apply. i hope, this is my last blog and i don’t have to rush to another blog to create things afresh. i want this to continue and i want you (yes, you, the reader) to help me in this. we may not know each other, but when you read this, there is something now we share in common. there is something we both know. and there are many more opportunities to know and grow. and may be in that process i’ll be able to solve the mystery of two different minds who crave for different things.
p.s.- my name is not aasha (but you can call me by this name). but this name has become part of my being.